not written by me, but i think it's funny.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
29: Pull out

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion.The International Council of Manhood, Ltd

mother

so.... i rented Ma Mere from blockbuster.com right, all excited to see some incestuous mother son sex action, and while falling asleep 30 minutes into this boring ass film, REALIZED I HAVE THE FUCKING BLOCKBUSTER EDITED VERSION. so i quit, and now i gots netflix.

incest, here i come!!!

i just watched goblet of fire, and oh my gosh am i a pedophile b/c i would so totally do it with daniel radcliffe.

i have some paintings up at a local cafe. i havent painted in years, i havent shown my work in years, and i really didnt like the idea of showing at a cafe (im an art snob sometimes, i know) but my friend janice asked me to participate in a show she was putting together and because she is my friend and she asked me, i said yes. i thanked her tonight, got me to painting again and it feels really really good. im really happy w/the work i put up, really proud. the reception was tonight and none of my friends came. not a one. the turn out overall was very small, less than 10 people total. *sigh*
i rather expected that, though. if you are doing music or poetry, its hard to get people to come out. guh, who knows what happens that makes an event a hit. its even harder if youre a painter.the visual arts world is far more removed i suppose. and dayum people are busy, the weather sucks right now, i didnt tell a ton of people. ha, see how i just shifted my sadness to logic and excuses?
but ME tho, i always try to come out to events i hear about, especially if it involves someone i know. just yesterday, i was at the cafe hanging my paintings and saw a flyer for a hip hop event going on that day. all day 10am-10pm at sdsu, no cover, asking for donations of food, toys and clothes. after i finished at the cafe, i went to vons and bought a bag of groceries and went to sdsu, cold and hail and all. i did this b/c i had the time, b/c i love hip hop, b/c events like this are beautiful and positive and i want to support them. i only stayed for about an hour, but i feel good about myself that i went. andi was happy it was a fair turnout, imsure there were more people later in the event (it was maybe 5pm when i was there). i am happy for hip hop that the event looked like it went well, this cold ass weather and all. but well now thats not all true, i dont ALWAYS come out, there've been plenty of times where i said i'd be there and then wasnt. ha, see how i just did the "nobody's perfect" excuse?
but anyway. no one came to my event today and i guess i am feeling a little sorry for myself.
im wishing right now i was stronger. that i could never mind about it and shrug it off. but well i am crazy really most of the time i think, i am not well, i am mentally ill... when people do see my work, they shower praises and i feel like i dont want to be bothered with them. and now here i am left alone and i have the nerve to be offended by it. ha, see how i just blamed my sadness on my illness?
who do i want my audience to be, then? i miss being around other artists. i miss the other art students at school. painting every day, working and talking with each other, being art active. i should go to moca every month. every week. i should be reading art magazines. where do i need to be, where are the visual artists, where are the other painters. i need to find them. i need them around me. i wouldnt care so much that my friends arent around, so long as other painters were maybe. maybe. maybe i dont want to be sad over my friends, instead i want to push blame to myself for not making effort to find other painters. maybe... theres this numb feeling i get, here it is again. im confused. makes me stop for a moment, stare at nothing, then then my eyes get hot and well up and i cry.

survey bits

31.How many people have you been in REAL love with: 1, tho sometimes i think its none.

32.How many people have you kissed: over 100, i really dont know.

34.Are you a virgin: no, in fact, I wish I started having sex sooner. *pish* wish I could be having it right now.

35.What do you look for in a guy/girl: inside~afrocentric, confident, kind, sincere, insightful, smart, thoughtful, romantic, always looking to learn and grow. outside (tho none are deal-breakers)~tall, bald or locs or afro, just NO PERMS, nice teeth, slim to athletic build, goatee or some sort of facial hair, glasses, deep voice. Wears NOTHING bling. doesnt care about labels, but doesnt bash those that do. I love brothers wearing the muslim smocks, fucking hot-olla. I'll fall out if he has a large collection of books, can play an instrument, and can cook. And above everything financially independent. im doing the support thing now and its making me bitter. the next one has to be able to take care of himself.

43.Do you believe in fate: kinda. i do sometimes believe in signs and epiphanies and moments of clarity.

44.Do you believe in soul mates: uhhhahhh i dont know...

45.If so do you believe you'll ever find yours: meh.




currently reading:
"tipping the velvet"
by sarah waters

FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.

HOMIEZ: Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say "Bitch drink the rest of that, you know we don't waste."

love quiz

62.What song do you swear was written about you or your life:

*pish* when i was all in love w/marc and he didnt know it, i listened to Promise by violent femmes every goddamn day!

Y'know that I want your loving

But my logic tells me that it ain't never gonna happen

And then my defense'd say I did't want it anyway

But you know sometimes I'm a lier

Could you ever want me to love you

Could you ever want me to care

Disregard my nervousness

Please ignore my vacant stares

Cause just what I've been thru

Is nothing like where I'm going to

Give me some sign to persueA promise

And your unhappy

This is only a guess

Do you know what it's like to hate

When it's way down deep inside

Oh God I hate

what's been done to my life

I could rule the pain

I could rule the night

Or would I ruin my salvation

Ruin my mind

rules your pains

Rulers of the night

Ruin your salvation

Ruin yor mind

currently listening to:

PJ Harvey

"to bring you my love"