angry sha

the good thing about keeping a journal on good old fashioned pencil and notebook is the "travelocity" of it, you can take it anywhere and write when the feeling hits, the anger demands, the rage ensues, etc. i am much calmer now.
i feel like i am the kindest most giving person. you do things for people, do favors, not bc you expect something in return, you do them b/c you want to. favors and apologies are like presents, you give them and youre not supposed to expect to get anything back. but goddamn that people dont see how much you do and then ask for more. this stupid friend of mine.

i spent the drive home yelling at the empty passenger seat, saying the things i wanted to say to B__. shannon, can you pick me up, shannon, i need a ride, shannon, i have class at 7 can you help. this fucker lives in chula vista and works in eastlake, his class is in mission valley. not an outrageous distance, but its a stroll and gas is 3 muther fucking dollars a gallon.

(see, my calmness has taken away some of the anger, b/c now i sit here telling myself that my friend would offer gas money if he could, he works full time just like me, but makes much less money and has trouble getting by as it is... i can afford to be a little self-less and help a brotha out...)

but wait, no, i dont make a lot of money either dammit. and i hate the way im ASKED to help. calling up with, "oh, so what are you doing on such and such day?" only to be followed with, "i need a ride." shit. like youre being tricked.

(calmness comes and i know that i am blessed that i have a vehicle, i can go anywhere i want at anytime and this is a luxury, and really shouldnt i share it if i can...)

this is the second week, the 6th day, i've gone to pick this fucker up in eastlake, and up to mission valley. and its not like i have nothing to do, fucker. case in point, TODAY. i went to work last night, clocking in at 9:45pm. i got off work at 8:15am, but had to stay for a staff meeting, so i didnt get to leave until 10:15am. from there i go to the gym, but it is closed due to sewage problems so i didnt get to work out. *thats two things not going my way today, having to stay past my shift and not getting to work out... i need those endorphins...* so i come home, it's after 11am. my husband on paper is there and he has made breakfast for me, bless him, and i eat and go through some paperwork, some mail, make some calls, and i get in bed to sleep at around 1pm. i wake up at 3 muther fucking 45pm to go pick up B__ in chula vista. i leave my place at 4pm to drive down to pick him up at 5, i need this hour b/c of the traffic. from there i take him home to freshen up, then to his class.

the phone is ringing. i am off to give B__ another ride. *sigh* point is, i got to sleep for 2 hours only, and it has been this way for days. im angry about it. i shouldnt have to be so deprived. it makes me fall asleep at work and i hate that. i have to be at work at 9:45 tonight, ass.