5'8 and 165 lbs and you talk to me about your weight gain?

Shannon, I recently read the link below. Needless to say, itis so motivational. I have been thinking about my owneating habits and weight gain. I understand that myweight "gain" is probably ridiculous sounding to you,but I realize it is so easy to gain so much. I realizeI have issues with self-control. Really, I mean, do Ireally need to eat the whole bag of Doritos? I mean,do I really need Doritos with cream cheese at all? Iam sure pretzels will satisfy the mind. Anyways, thisissue really hits home because my cousin is grosslyoverweight. She has been to the hospital twicebecause her hearts stopped. My aunt used to smoke inthe house and her asthma is ridiculous. Right now sheis with this loser because, I feel, she does not havethe esteem to know that she can get another one. I remember Joyce Meyer (who is a phenomenal Christianspeaker who also used to be overweight) said are yougoing to let your _______ control your mind or yourmind control your ___________. She was talking aboutthe stomach and other situations like our mouth/words,emotions, sex, etc. As I think about that I realizeshe is right and I need to gain control of a lot ofthings in this case it is the 4 for $1 candy bars.Peace and love girl, N.

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it WAS inspiring, thank you for sending it to me. goes to show its so important to have a good support system. its hard to succeed when everyone around you is expecting you to fail, and if youre around that too long and then are able to escape, you expect YOURSELF to fail. you always need support.... i keep telling myself that im going to go to tops meetings or oa meetings so that i can be around people in it like me, and i am yet to go...

how much weight have you gained? im sorry if i ever made you feel (and im sure i did) lame for talking to me about your weight gain. that was really insensitive of me. just because i weigh more than you doesnt mean it affects my emotions/ego/whatever more than your gain does you.

weight is a trip... its really discouraging to have people say to me, "whats the big deal, you did it before" or "well you work full time, just dont eat after you get off work" or some trite "its so simple fix-all" advice, but it sho aint easy to lose a few lbs, and you really dont know until youre the one trying to do it. if it was drugs or alchohol, you would just say, "ok, i have an addiction problem and im not drinking/doing drugs/smoking ever again." and everyone would support you. but you cant NOT eat forever. and even if youre somewhere and offered something, as soon as you say something along the lines that you're trying to watch what you eat, youre attacked, and pigeon-holed, that you must have low self esteem, that youre starving yourself, torturing yourself, punishing yourself, that you must have no confidence, and you know thats not all true, thats theres nothing wrong with you, but as often as this pigeon-hole-ing happens to me,its hard to remember that sometimes.

"just have a little" people beg and they'll push if you keep declining, "one bite is not going to do anything" but for me, one bite can trigger a chain of garbage-y eating for me. im trying to gain power and control in all things in my life, food is the hardest.

so... doritoes with cream cheese? for me its hershey kisses, 2 at a time so i can chew them with both sides of my mouth. shannon.

linds

advice to L
my homegirl wrote me for some advice, she is practically in the closet gay, with little sexual experience, and a girl likes her. i thought i gave good words, but i wonder if she got anything from it, or maybe i offended her...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The girl:
These Phones Are Evil So Wasnt Sure If U Rec My Last Txt To U...i Find Very Few
People That I Like And Want To Get Close To But With U I Find Myself Wanting To
Do Both. Its A Nice Feeling For Me But Kinda Scarey Too. I Dont Want To Make A
Fool Of Myself Three But I Would Like To Get To Know U Better That Is If U Feel
The Same Way. As U Said Once I Could Go On But I Think I Said Enough Already
Lol..talk To You Soon:-)

My friend:
Hi, How would you make a fool of yourself? I do feel the same way... But I don't
want you to change your life or anything crazy for me... I would like you to do
haven't been able to do for awhile and get to know yourself again.

The girl:
Im So Glad U Feel The Same Way..im Awful At Guessing And When I Do Sometimes
Thats When I Make A Fool Of Myself. As For Changing My Life I Do That For Me. I
Dont Want To Waste Anymore Time On Someone Who Doesnt Really Care And Who Takes
All The Fun Out Of Life And Who Makes Me Feel There Is Nothing To Look Forward
To. But The Other Reason I Want Away Is Because Of You..when I Thought U Were
Going To Go Away It Made Me So Sad And I Didnt Realize Until Then How Much I
Care For You. I Am Going To Change My Life Three And I Want A Chance To Have You In It. And I Do Not Need To Get To Know Myself. I Spend 24/7 With Me And Know Me
Like No Other And Im Bored And Lonely Of My Own Company Lol. Do I Have A Chance
With You Maybe? If I Do I Dont Want To Blow It. You Are One Of A Kind Three And
Im So Lucky To Have Met You My Life Is So Much Better Because Of You. If I Could
I Would Try To Make Yours Better Too. Sorry Sooo Long I Could Write A Book. I
Stop Now My Face Is Burning Red.. :-

My friend (This time forwarding the emails and writing to me)
Ok now you know I'm freaking out!!! Am I allowed to ask just what this "relationship" would entail? Help...

My response:well, theres an awful lot i dont know about this situation so i dont know how much i can help... but i think i can say one thing, ____: dont over anaylize things. this person likes you and wants to get to know you, thats it. yeah, thier email is a bit much, but i dont think its abnormal, when you like somebody, you tend to say too much at first sometimes, especially if youre young/inexperienced, and especially when your communicating via chat/text message, you tend to drop your guard. this person likes you, dont question WHY. and dont do your usual and pretend that you dont care at all. this sounds like someone who wants to get to knw you, so let them a little, and see if you like them. just hang out. have dinner, tea, movie, whatever. spend the night watching cartoons, just hang out with someone a little bit and allow yourself to enjoy it. youre going to meet a lot of people (already have, actually) attracted to you, thinking about you on an "other than friendship" level, its going to keep happening, and you've always seemed (and still are?) uncomfortable about it. tho i think i know, really i can only guess as to your reasons why... but holmes, the people around you know that you are fun and cute and cool to hang out with. you gots to know that, too.

i dont know how many youve had, but i think youve had at least two (____, ____, and maybe me sometimes) parasite relationships, friends who werent really, who hung out with you b/c they were the beneficiary of the relationship, felt they looked good standing next to you, felt better about themselves while with you and not in that "this person inspires me to be my best" way. you dont have to be with people like that. you dont have to settle. youre better than that, you dont deserve it. you dont have to be uncomfortable, its your life, be the person you want to be, the person we see you as, FUN, CHILL CUTE _____. i think youve spent so much time being uncomfortable that you now you just kind of always are uncomfortable. girl, keep popping that paxil and enjoy!

---shannon (your homie hopped up on welbutrin)

My Friends Response:
That advice was very helpful and I appreciate being able to see how others see me. Thank you

vote.

yes.

my homeboy is a lyricist. he is, as many others are, trying to make his name in hip/hop and rap music. ive heard bits of this work, its aiight. he's white, also, and in the past ive found him to be rather arrogant and paranoid, he's said things i've thought ignorant and immature and inexperienced. but this is in the past. ive not hung out with him in years, he could be a totally different person now, i dont know.

he has written a dis to eminem. i think this is lame. i think the whole dis game in hip hop is stupid, its dividing the culture therfore weakening it. stop being worried about what other people are doing and worry about yourself. anyways, my friend's cut was talking about the eminem video that talked about voting and my friend said, "my main purpose is to tell people voting doesnt count if you dont count in the first place." and i disagree.

here was my reply:
well........... i must disagree that voting is not the answer. certainly i do not belive that voting is the only avenue, but ALL aveues must be explored/executed in the quest/struggle for freedom. even if you dont think voting does anything, you can at least fill out the ballad with write in candidates you DO want in office. you can go in and turn in a blank ballad. you can mail in your absentee ballad with a letter telling the government all your gripes; THESE are protests. to not vote... who cares if you dont vote, no one knows that you didnt.

if anything, i vote because i CAN. i vote b/c its my right. to know that my grandfather could not vote, to know that my own father was intimidated by the white folks around him to not vote, to know that people marched, endured attack dogs and beatings, to know my people kicked the door down for me so that i CAN vote... i vote. to do otherwise is like telling my relatives/ancestors their efforts did nothing, when i know it did. maybe not enough, not as much as they'd hoped, black folks arent where they could/should be, but it made a difference. maybe a small difference depending on how you look at it, but wars arent won in one battle.

i dont think that its going to solve everything, but i really do believe that if we came out en mass, it might. history shows this; post civil war was when the most number of blks were voted into office, and the rise of the KKK squashed it. and if black folks werent being murdered & massacred, they would have been able to keep going. if the gay population and gay rights supporters voted, prop 22 would have passed and gay marriage would be legalized. stoners DID vote, thats why prop 215 passed. and if these smokers kept fighting, 215 couldve been enforced. if people of color voted, prop 209 wouldve been squashed and we'd still have affirmative action. getting the proposition to pass isnt the answer, its a step. voting isnt the answer, its a step. freedom is a struggle, we fight everyday, in every way. Because blacks in chicago voted in 1982, they elected the first black mayor.

i think that to say 'voting doenst matter if we dont count in the first place...' sounds like giving up. certainly i know, study, recognize, live, this life in america as a black woman, i know the strikes against me, but i dont give up, i fight and survive and try to thrive and hope that i can make things better if not for me then for those after me.

anyways... i guess i want more, joshua. i want you to give your audience more. i speak only for myself, but to say that your main purpose is to tell people voting doesnt count if you dont count in the first place states only the problem and not any solutions or actions. if we dont vote, then what do we do? admittedly in my own art i do more of raising questions then providing anwers and solutions, but thats my intention: i raise questions, i want people to think and rethink, hoping it leads to re-evaluation of whatever. if you tell people that thier vote doesnt count, then what... sit down?

again, i speak only for myself. i dont think we need to JUST vote. i think we need to vote AND. vote and protest. vote and organize. vote and excersice your dollar. vote and. just vote AND.

update: after i wrote this, he deleted his post, and my reply. ha!

small

so here i am at work... this is day two of working graveyard shift, it was really great, actually, last night i only took four calls for my entire 10 hour shift. i messed around on myspace all night. i should probably be worried that my internet usage is being monitered here. monitored. monit... i think im spelling that wrong.

tonight was the last night of R Spot. its become quite the hot spot for soulful intellectual artisitic black folks in san diego, am im a tad sad to see it go, though i never really went anyway. they would do featured artist and open mic, and i would go ritually when they first opened, b/c i had met the owner james and he was really nice and i wanted to show support. but then his crowd was filling out & i stopped coming thru, the brotha didnt need me and i wasnt really keen on being there. i do like some poetry, but at an open mic, there's so much that starts to sound the same..

my homegirl called me from r spot tonight, talking about the host bennie and how lame she thinks he is. i think she does this only b/c they had at one time been intimate and it didnt work out. she then began to flirt with the guy outside when she went out to talk on the phone with me. and when he wasnt really responding, talked about how short he was. i read some quote on someone's myspace profile, something like:

"great people talk about ideas. average people talk about things. small people talk about other people."

that is what i am thinking about my friend right now, she is a small person.

how i feel about my job

these last few days at work... im so sad when im there. i think about just leaving, quitting. calculate in my head how long i can live off my meager savings if i had no job. theres always always more people than there is help.

a woman will call me and she has her 3,4,5,6 children with her and she's homeless and has no where to go & ive no where to send her. i think in my mind, maybe its like a prayer even tho im not religious, im hoping and wishing her daughters grow up to make better choices than thier mom did, and that her sons grow up to be better fathers than thier own.

i've drawn away from everyone, i hardly anwer my home or mobile phone, i dont to talk to anybody. i was driving home, talking on my mobile phone to one of the men im dating, and he teased that he could fix my sadness (which i did not tell him about, but he heard it in my voice, felt my vibe). i told him i was going home. he said he'd be by in a minute, and i said no. "you dont want me to come over and hold you?" and the thought, the gesture, made me so much sadder. i told him im fine & he hung up annoyed that i was lying and i sat there in my car and cried.

i fear my supervisor will be wanting to meet with me soon, let me know how sparse my paperwork is, that my intakes dont have enough detail, and they dont, i have no arguement. ive simply stopped asking so many questions from the callers, i get the most base simple information possible and refer them somewhere, i guess b/c i already personalize everyone so much, i dont want to know anything about thier situation. i keep taking that shit home with me.
the other day i was in the company of another man im dating and he kept asking why i was so quiet. i was wondering to myself why i'd agreed to hang out with him that day, i didnt want any company. we lay, i was reading a book, him The Reader, and really he only picked up the reader b/c i had been sitting there reading for a while saying nothing."seems like youre reading to avoid something," he says. he puts him arms around me, my face was turned away from his and warm tears flowed from me, i got up & left the room to gather myself.

i read fiction... and WHAT

its so fucking cold in the office i get annoyed about it. its slow at work. i am trying to read this book for the next book club discussion, "we are not what we seem" and i cannot focus. its making me feel not smart, that i cant focus on it maybe because its not fiction? i dont think ive ever read a non fiction book all the way through. read a lot in college, but always only the assigned pages, and even then you could toss a coin on my doing that, b/c if you take good notes, you dont need to read nathin.'

i got in an arguement with some dumb fuc once, who said something like, "fiction is a waste of time and kills your brain cells." and this was coming from a musician?! one of the white drummers with the african dance group i used to preform with. yes, white. i was the only black member of the group at the time. fucking san diego... i asked him if only one form of art (music)has validity, i suppose? i argued that certainly there is fiction thats crap but fiction can teach us about the context of the time, social issues, political stance, what about literature like toni morrison, i asked?... he says, "never even heard of the guy." i stopped argueing...