i have some paintings up at a local cafe. i havent painted in years, i havent shown my work in years, and i really didnt like the idea of showing at a cafe (im an art snob sometimes, i know) but my friend janice asked me to participate in a show she was putting together and because she is my friend and she asked me, i said yes. i thanked her tonight, got me to painting again and it feels really really good. im really happy w/the work i put up, really proud. the reception was tonight and none of my friends came. not a one. the turn out overall was very small, less than 10 people total. *sigh*
i rather expected that, though. if you are doing music or poetry, its hard to get people to come out. guh, who knows what happens that makes an event a hit. its even harder if youre a painter.the visual arts world is far more removed i suppose. and dayum people are busy, the weather sucks right now, i didnt tell a ton of people. ha, see how i just shifted my sadness to logic and excuses?
but ME tho, i always try to come out to events i hear about, especially if it involves someone i know. just yesterday, i was at the cafe hanging my paintings and saw a flyer for a hip hop event going on that day. all day 10am-10pm at sdsu, no cover, asking for donations of food, toys and clothes. after i finished at the cafe, i went to vons and bought a bag of groceries and went to sdsu, cold and hail and all. i did this b/c i had the time, b/c i love hip hop, b/c events like this are beautiful and positive and i want to support them. i only stayed for about an hour, but i feel good about myself that i went. andi was happy it was a fair turnout, imsure there were more people later in the event (it was maybe 5pm when i was there). i am happy for hip hop that the event looked like it went well, this cold ass weather and all. but well now thats not all true, i dont ALWAYS come out, there've been plenty of times where i said i'd be there and then wasnt. ha, see how i just did the "nobody's perfect" excuse?
but anyway. no one came to my event today and i guess i am feeling a little sorry for myself.
im wishing right now i was stronger. that i could never mind about it and shrug it off. but well i am crazy really most of the time i think, i am not well, i am mentally ill... when people do see my work, they shower praises and i feel like i dont want to be bothered with them. and now here i am left alone and i have the nerve to be offended by it. ha, see how i just blamed my sadness on my illness?
who do i want my audience to be, then? i miss being around other artists. i miss the other art students at school. painting every day, working and talking with each other, being art active. i should go to moca every month. every week. i should be reading art magazines. where do i need to be, where are the visual artists, where are the other painters. i need to find them. i need them around me. i wouldnt care so much that my friends arent around, so long as other painters were maybe. maybe. maybe i dont want to be sad over my friends, instead i want to push blame to myself for not making effort to find other painters. maybe... theres this numb feeling i get, here it is again. im confused. makes me stop for a moment, stare at nothing, then then my eyes get hot and well up and i cry.